The Wilderness Exchange Unlimited Blog

OK… So…Two big things here (I’m so excited right now I can hardly sit still)….OK… here goes:

1. The Wilderness Exchange Unlimited is now a proud retailer of ClimbX climbing paraphernalia. Climb X is a new company. Their niche is well-made gear with low price points to accommodate the climbing proletariat. Industry experts and esteemed analysts are predicting that Climb X is going to dominate the living crap out of the climbing market.

Here’s what we got:

-Climb X THE KINDER – this is a Kid’s climbing shoe. They are darling

-Climb X PILOT – take flight with this stylish yet economical harness

-Climb X GYPSY – this harness will take you where ever your wanderlust desires

-Climb X DOUBLE X – we were going to bring in the “Triple X” too, but decided that it might be a little racy for our clientele

2. I have made it my mission to become Climb X’s first sponsored athlete (those who know me are laughing right now). While this may be an ambitious goal, I don’t feel that it is out of the realm of possibilities. What I may lack in climbing ability, credibility, sex appeal and social skills, I more than make up for in spirit and passion.

Here are a few things I have been doing to ready myself for the life of a sponsored climber:

-        Seven pull-ups a day (some people have told me that standing on an exercise ball while doing pull ups is cheating – these people are haters).

-        Every morning at about 7:15 am I go into the bathroom and practice my game face and climbing scream for about an hour. In order to monitor my progress I record my screaming on my roommate’s 24 track hi-fi recording system. Then, I go upstairs and blast the recording on our 2,000 watt surround-sound system while I have my morning coffee and do a little yoga. Then, I put on my sweatpants and bike helmet and jog around the neighborhood.

-        I enrolled in a variety of high energy dance classes to add a cardio element to my regiment. Unfortunately, these classes became cost prohibitive and I have since resorted to just playing Dance Dance Revolution twice a week.

-        I induce vomiting every other night before bed.

-        I am saving up to get collagen implants in my forearms.

-        To prepare myself for the competitive nature of the pro climbing scene I frequently challenge the neighborhood children to bicycle races. I generally lose these races (mainly because those little cheaters have training wheels), but I see this as training for dealing with the agony of defeat.

((Best game-face yet))

So, with my new game face, training régime, lifestyle changes and upcoming cosmetic procedures, I think it’s realistic to say that sponsorship is all but mine.

Also, I have assured my esteemed colleague Hiro Nakakura that he is welcome to ride my coattails all the way to the top. I am a man of my word, so if Climb X wants me they have to take Hiro too (I am also a man who frequently goes back on his word so….yeah).

In summary, I intend to continue pestering Climb X until they provide me with either a full sponsorship or a restraining order.

Climb on,

SB

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Let me start by saying that Darn Tough socks really are darn tough…Yeah, it might sound obvious or redundant, but it’s worth clarifying that the name should be taken literally. 

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This is the somewhat mandatory victory-whip of “Mighty Dog” (5.12c) in Clear Creek Canyon.

Whippers are good for the soul,

SB

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Salomon Men’s XT WINGS – closeouts! – Boo-ya! – Holla atchya boi!! 

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Everybody – that’s who. Deep in the heart of every climber, regardless of socioeconomic standing, lays a savage dirt-bag. Sure, on the exterior we may look like doctors, lawyers, CEOs, CFOs, mechanical engineers with an emphasis in renewable energy, or even sales associates at the WildyX…But don’t be fooled, deep down we’re all smelly, dumpster diving, dine and dashing, VW bus driving, PBR drinking, incomprehensibly froogle hooligans with but one life goal – to climb, as much as humanly possible.

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These are suspiciously good deals…

Here’s my theory: One night Don was looking at numbers and sharpening his pocket knife, debating who should be shived over the frightening figures. Our fearless leader had trouble sleeping that night. He kept tossing and turning, rolling over in his mind all the wows of his business and of the world.

Then all at once his mind shifted, a synapse in his brain that had been blocked for years suddenly became unclogged and his central nervous system was flooded with all kinds of dopamine and serotonin and neat stuff like that. Within seconds our fearless leader knew what had to be done. He jumped out of bed, slapped him self in the face three times fast, blended up some questionable concoction of espresso, yerba mate, and legal amphetamines. He injected this cocktail directly into his eyeball; “game on!” he thought to himself.

Feeling more than excellent now than ever before, our fearless leader whipped out his archaic flip-phone and called Bobbi Bensman (our rep for Mammut, Salomon, and several other less notable companies). Bensman answered; she sounded confused, annoyed, but unmistakably intrigued. Our fearless leader began spiting crazy outdoor industry game to Bobbi at the speed of light. Bensman was surprisingly receptive, “It’s all gonna be OK Don, I’ll be right over.”

Bensman arrived at Don’s plush residence in Boulder about an hour later, as the first rays of sun illuminated our fearless leader pacing frantically in his driveway. Bobbi got out of her car and gave Don a valium and a hug.

Three hours, and four pots of coffee later, action had been taken, deals had been made, orders had been placed and dreams had come true. Our fearless leader felt much better. He took the rest of the day off and slept the sleep of the righteous hustler.

Here are the results of ruthless networking and string pulling:

-Mammut TUSK Superdry 9.8mm 70M Rope – bad-arse rope! It really is. It even has a middle marker. @ 169.95 this may very well be the best value rope anywhere
-Mammut SERENITY 8.9mm X 70M SUPERDRY Rope – pretty skinny alright – and now the price is too!
-Mammut GALAXY DUODESS 10mm X 60m SUPER-DRY Rope – Our fearless leader snagged one of these.
-Mammut ELEMENT KEYLOCK QUICKDRAW SET – super nice draws. $60 for five keylock draws – that’s what dreams are made of.
-Mammut 16mm NYLON SLINGS – these are the old red/white/blue pattern. Climbing with these slings is more patriotic than driving around in an F350 with a lift, eating apple pie, chasing it with Budweiser and shooting guns out the window.
-Mammut 8mm Dyneema Contact Slings – so this one is weird; they are red and they are 120cm, usually the red ones are 180cm – that’s probably why we are selling them for $9.95.

Climb hard and sleep easy,

SB

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So I asked our resident backcountry hard-person (Jeff) if ski season was over. He looked at me like a red-headed stepchild who should be beaten more often and said nothing. I took that to mean there is still skiing to be had somewhere up there. I started to ask for more details, but he shot me that stepchild look again and I decided to leave it be.

Awesome, totally awesome,

SB

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I don’t own any offsets. I have used other people’s. They can be handy, but I’ve always done fine without them. Certainly, they can offer bomber pro where nothing else will truly engage, but I could never justify buying any (then again, I have a hard time justifying buying shampoo). They always struck me as more of a luxury than a necessity (then again, I also see toilet paper as a luxury).

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In a perfect world, everyone would have a headlamp. Here at the WildyX, we believe that every man, woman, child, transvestite, transsexual, and geriatric person should own at least one headlamp, regardless of race, creed, orientation, socioeconomic standing, or criminal background.

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